Stuff Digital Edition

The Whale v a new puppy

Joe Bennett

Ihave an exciting new car. It was made in 2011, which is precisely 40 years after my first car. That was a 1971 Ford Escort wagon called The Whale, which my mate Keith gave me in 1986 on condition I learn to drive it. Three tests later I had the freedom of the road. Let’s compare The Whale and the new car.

The Whale had an ashtray: the new car doesn’t. But it does have cup holders for fizzy drinks. And today, not uncoincidentally, the average male driver lives 12 years longer and weighs 12 kilos more than he did in 1971.

The Whale had a rearview mirror that I didn’t use when reversing. The new car has a reversing camera that I don’t use when reversing, either. It still goes against the grain to look forward when travelling backward.

The Whale went backwards in silence, whereas the new car emits a warning beep.

I realise this is a safety feature, but I cannot comment on its efficacy having reversed over too few pedestrians in either car to be statistically significant. (The new car also beeps at me if

I neglect to fasten my seat belt. The Whale was happy to let me err.)

The Whale had a radio with a slot for cassette tapes. The cassettes went in easily, but they rarely came out again. I played the radio. The new car has a screen that offers Bluetooth, Android Auto, Apple Car Play, USB, AV In, Aux In and Radio. I still play the radio.

The new car has air-conditioning that uses power and takes a while to kick in. The Whale had windows that used no power and worked immediately, though I did have to wind them down. On the new car they come down at the press of a button.

It still goes against the grain to look forward when travelling backward.

The Whale had a key that could be inserted into the ignition or the door. The new car has a key that is uninsertable anywhere, which leaves the problem of where to store it when driving. I put it in a cup holder. The key can also lock and unlock the car from 20 paces. It is amusing to see the car fold its wing mirrors like little ears, or light up on my return like a welcoming puppy, but I have yet to find much practical advantage in either function.

Other than that the two cars are essentially identical. Wheels, doors, windows, engine, gear stick, steering wheel, pedals, seats, dashboard, brakes are in the same place doing the same job.

In sum, then, my new car is probably a bit safer than the old one, though I haven’t died in either. The new car is packed with electronic labour-saving gimmicks that save very little labour. And both cars run on petrol.

(How much petrol must I alone have burned since 1986? Even with my modest car use, it must be an Olympic swimming pool or two. Multiply that by every driver on the planet, and then biff in the aeroplanes – a single long-haul 747 flight burns over a hundred tonnes of fuel – and the wonder is not that the planet is heating up, it is that we haven’t yet melted both ice caps and drowned everything but the Himalayas.)

I gave The Whale as a wedding present to a young couple who owned only a pair of love birds, and, disastrously as it turned out, a cat. By then the car had done 300,000 miles and was still going nicely. Progress, anyone?

Opinion

en-nz

2021-10-27T07:00:00.0000000Z

2021-10-27T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://stuff.pressreader.com/article/281913071321192

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