It is the thought that counts

Gift-giving at Christmas is a fraught transaction of expectations and thoughtfulness, writes Rob Stock.

In an experiment with primates, researchers rewarded two monkeys with cucumber for completing tasks. Both were happy with the watery treat. Then the researchers started rewarding one of them with grapes.

In disgust, the other monkey hurled its cucumber back.

Giving gifts at Christmas is a social activity, and we humans aren’t far from those monkeys when it comes to prickling at getting the worst presents under the tree.

Academics bidding for fame and fortune by studying marketing and psychology have a lot to tell giftgivers about what gift-getters value in the gifts they get.

First, people judge presents by how thoughtful they are. They represent a moment that brings the giver’s perception of them into view.

Poorly chosen presents highlight a gulf of understanding between two people.

Giving Dad socks may send him a signal that you really don’t see him as a person with interests and worth the investment in time to think up a decent present.

Second, a gift has to be proportionate. That monkey rejecting the cucumber, which it was perfectly happy to eat a moment earlier, felt deeply upset when its friend was given better.

Proportionate for humans does not only involve not being mean, and undervaluing a person. Gift-giving has an element of reciprocity. Giving someone a supergenerous gift, leaving them feeling like they can’t fulfil their side of the social bargain, can leave the recipient feeling uncomfortable.

It is a minefield, that’s for sure, especially in families containing people who would rather avoid Christmas altogether but who feel pressured into gift-giving rituals they see no value in.

Sometimes the best gift you can give someone is the freedom not to have to get you anything, and signalling it in advance.

Increasingly, many of us also see a carbon cost to everything we do. A pointless present just feels like a waste of the planet’s resources.

Science also indicates some of the things we might steer clear of giving. Sugar-laden treats might be one. People, it seems, are more likely to choose a healthy snack for themselves than they would for others.

Better to do for others what you would do for yourself.

Science also tells us that experiences bring greater satisfaction than material possessions.

It’s the Christmas meal that will be remembered, not the Greatest Mum In The World mug.

Recipients also judge what is known as the utility of a gift. People like to be given stuff that has a place in their lives. This is slightly different to the concept of a present showing the giver has really thought about the person they are giving it to but has kinship with it.

The good news here, though, is that even if you miss the mark a bit, as long as the receiver sees you tried, and thought about what would be a good gift for them, they will feel appreciative.

I could find no research on how many Christmas gifts we actually remember. My suspicion is the answer is very, very few. This alone should be a signal to us. I challenged myself to think of the single greatest Christmas gift I ever received, so see how it might fit in with the science.

It was a toy Death Star chosen by my father. I must have been seven, as that film was released in 1977, and I was so enthused by it, my poor father had to take me to it a fair few times.

I think what touched me most was not that he had bought the whole set of small action figures to go with it but he had bought two stormtroopers, because, well, one stormtrooper does not signify an army.

That last point has remained in my memory for 43 years. In fact, I kept the stormtroopers as a memento.

That probably brings me to the last point of Christmas presents.

Focus on the children.

The rest of us have too much stuff already, and we can buy the things we need with our own money.