Stuff Digital Edition

You cut that out, Deirdre!

Andrew Gunn

In the wake of the prime minister’s advice that hairdressers targeted by antivaxers could call the police, Stuff has embedded one of its team with local police officer Sergeant Curly Locks. This is their report:

STUFF: It’s 7.40pm. I’m riding in a squad car with Sergeant Locks to the ‘‘Hair In A Pun’’ salon. Sergeant, what’s the situation?

SGT LOCKS: We have a Code Auburn – that’s an unmasked antivax activist demanding some form of hair treatment.

STUFF: We’re just arriving. The staff and customers are all out on the street. Sergeant Locks is going inside to take a look. Here he is back now.

SGT LOCKS: The anti-vax activist has barricaded herself inside a toilet cubicle and says she won’t be coming out until she’s received a full cut-and-colour involving various chemicals being put in her hair.

STUFF: Does she know exactly what those chemicals are?

SGT LOCKS: I’m sure if you ask her she’ll say she’s done her own research, so in short, no.

STUFF: So what’s your strategy?

SGT LOCKS: When someone’s taken themselves hostage the best thing to do is to offer them a way out. If you’ll excuse me…

STUFF: Sergeant Locks has a megaphone and I think ...

SGT LOCKS: Listen to me, Deirdre. We know you didn’t come here to cause trouble.

DEIRDRE: Yes I did! Now what about my demands?

SGT LOCKS: I’m not a miracleworker Deirdre, but I can promise you a home-dye kit and a pair of scissors. You take that, and leave, and we’ll say no more.

DEIRDRE: No! I don’t want that! I want freedom! This is communism!

STUFF: Sergeant, just for the record this isn’t communism, is it?

SGT LOCKS: Well, I didn’t want to antagonise her.

But I have to say if she’s trying to make use of a small privatelyowned business which Karl Marx would categorise as part of the petite bourgeoisie sector of a developed capitalist economy, and yet she persists in describing the system as ‘communist’ then you’d have to question her understanding of basic political theory. So yeah, nah.

Now if you’ll excuse me again… STUFF: Sergeant Locks has the megaphone...

SGT LOCKS: Now look Deirdre, you’re holding up a lot of law-abiding citizens who just want a quick trim, a blow wave or a whole new look. I’m asking you for the last time to leave the premises.

DEIRDRE: Make me copper!

STUFF: ‘Make me copper’ – that sounds pretty extreme, like a provocation to violence.

SGT LOCKS: No I think it means she wants a coppercoloured tint in her hair, though frankly that is still pretty extreme because it just won’t go with her skin tone. Anyway, time to wrap this up. Stand back while I deploy these.

STUFF: Sergeant Locks is lobbing a couple of small black objects into the toilet cubicle and…

DEIRDRE: Arghhh! No! Get away!

STUFF: And the anti-vax activist is out of the cubicle, out of the building and running off down the street.

Sergeant Locks, what were those objects? Stun grenades? Smoke bombs?

SGT LOCKS: No, they were 5G phones. Apparently these people just can’t stand them.

STUFF: And your message for anyone else who attempts to get around the vaccine mandate at their hair salon?

SGT LOCKS: I can promise them, they will be foiled.

Mainlander

en-nz

2021-11-27T08:00:00.0000000Z

2021-11-27T08:00:00.0000000Z

https://stuff.pressreader.com/article/282093460008896

Stuff Limited