Reigniting the SPARK

How do you recognise relationship burnout, and what do you do about it? Karen Nimmo has some advice.

You are picking at each other. The gaps between fights are getting shorter. It’s taking longer to patch things up. You have lost your connection, your spark, with your partner. It doesn’t feel like fun. You know your relationship needs work, but you can’t find the motivation to try. Maybe you head away for a weekend together and feel a beat of hope. But then you get home, the rush of life takes over, and you are back where you were. Grumpy, niggling, going head-to-head over the same things.

This is often when many couples first consider counselling, but then abandon the idea. Research shows couples wait an average of six years before taking that proactive step – and many never do.

The trouble is, relationship problems don’t tend to get better by themselves. Bad habits get ingrained, resentment builds and, before you know it, you are in the burnout zone and wondering whether you can go the distance.

But burnout is for work, not couples… officially, yes. Burnout – exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress – is most commonly applied to work. But the same warning signs show up in relationships, and are particularly relevant as we battle through a pandemic.

Covid, with its restrictions, uncertainty, and many other related stressors, has put huge pressure on many relationships, with spikes in divorce rates widely reported. While stress can erode even stable couples, those struggling before the pandemic are likely to be harder hit. Burnout at work shows up in three key ways. When applied to a relationship, these are the key indicators:

1 Physical and emotional exhaustion

Your relationship drains you. You know it needs attention, but you can’t find the energy or the motivation to keep trying. Even the thought of “date night” makes you feel exhausted.

2 Detachment and cynicism

You feel disengaged from your partner and increasingly negative (or even cynical) about their behaviour, the things they say, their personal quirks, and even your suitability as a couple.

You don’t want to admit it but you have started to wonder if there’s another, better, “option” out there.

3 Falloff in investment and feeling ineffective

You go through the motions. You stop making an effort. You would rather hang with your phone/ device than your partner. Sex and physical intimacy drops away, and so does the emotional connection. You are at a loss to know what to do. Occasionally, you feel like packing up and walking away.

If the warning lights are flashing, don’t panic. But don’t bury your head in the sand either.

Burnout doesn’t mean it’s over, it just means your relationship is crying out for some TLC and, possibly, you are too.

Follow this four-step process before you do anything else.

Assess your own mental state. Check your own state of mind. Sometimes our relationship has contributed to our feeling depressed, anxious, confused, or chaotic, but it can work the other way too. Just as commonly, our mental struggles can influence our feelings about our relationship.

The saying that we take our distress out on those closest to us is true, so be careful. Check that the real problem does not lie with your work, stress levels, family issues, and other demands. It’s not fair for your relationship to take all the heat.

Lay it on the table. Acknowledge your problems. Not every little thing, every time, but if you feel your difficulties have become serious, you need to sit down and talk with your partner– now.

Avoidance is a poor strategy. It will escalate negativity and ill-feeling.

Be mindful of your language and be gentle with your partner. Take issue with their behaviour but not their character. Don’t be mean. And, most of all, listen to them. Give them space to express their feelings. They have a view, and things to say, too.

Don’t quit too soon. If you love each other on any level – or did once, or could again – stay in the game. Get an outside perspective. Be aware that the advice of friends and people who know you both can be skewed. A couple’s counsellor may be helpful if you can afford it.

But, before that, do this: Agree to a month of being super-kind to each other.

Aim to praise, validate, thank, or appreciate your partner three times a day, even if it feels weird or foreign. Focus on their strengths and all the things they do right.

Use words, gestures and acts of kindness. It is amazing how much good feeling it can create.

At the very least, it will put you in a better space for whatever lies ahead.